As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of changing parenting advice, leaving us exhausted from sifting through too much information or trying to come up with a fix when our child has dropped the ball. Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking RNZ’s Serena Solomon about a polarising acronym currently floating through our social media algorithms called “FAFO” parenting. For those yet to read about the term, it stands for “F*** Around and Find Out,” and the core philosophy suggests allowing children to experience the harsh, natural consequences of their poor choices without buffering. Full article here https://www.rnz.co.nz/life/relationships/family/is-fafo-the-demise-of-gentle-parenting
However, while letting kids experience the outcome of their actions is a vital part of learning, we must be careful not to swing the pendulum too far toward cynicism or becoming disconnected from them. In my view, we are not simply going to drop our children into the deep end of the pool and tell them to swim; as the adults in the room, we have a significant role to play in keeping them safe while they navigate these learning curves. Consequently, finding a balance between holding boundaries and maintaining warmth is the key to building strong bonds with our children.
Relying solely on reactive measures or making up punishments in the heat of the moment can be incredibly stressful and place immense pressure on the parent-child relationship. Thus, if we try to set consequences while we are feeling annoyed or frustrated, we often miss the opportunity to model the emotional regulation we want them to learn. It’s easier to say than do so it makes sense we need some help to know how to help with big and stressful moments with kids at every stage. Read ways to do this here – https://gtgparenting.co.nz/2018/10/handle-defiant-teens-anger-swearing-communication/
Neuroscience tells us that children have developing brains and that they need plenty of practice at making decisions, and this means that they will make many poor ones before they master the skill. An unrealistic expectation can be a resentment waiting to happen. When parents are expecting immediate rationality from a child this is often what drives our resentment or frustration. It does help to know that brains take a lot longer to develop than previously thought but then there’s the issue of knowing what to do next.
Lots of the advice and trends like “praise the good, ignore the bad,” don’t actually help us when a toddler or a teen lashes out or swears. Just ignoring this behaviour won’t go down well and it won’t address whatever caused it either. Every parent wants their child to learn better ways to relate to people rather than leaving them to figure it out alone.
Consequently, an effective approach, which passes on skills to children, involves finding a “middle way” that combines empathy for a child’s difficult feelings with firm boundaries regarding acceptable behaviours. In my work coaching parents for over two decades, I talk to families about how no one wants their child to lash out and that mistakes are inevitable. On the other hand, the goal is to help them learn how to repair relationships and make amends when they have acted poorly, rather than just feeling shame. For instance, if a child hits someone, we can acknowledge the difficulty by saying, “Wow, you look really annoyed; for you to hit someone tells me you must be feeling really yucky,” while simultaneously holding the boundary that using physical force against others is not okay. This is not a one and done, it takes time, and (the holy grail of parenting), consistency.
An important part of parenting with a balanced approach, is for parents to help children to recognise frustration and to know what to do with it when they are calm, rather than only addressing it during a meltdown. Every family is different. It’s not a one size fits all. It’s a one size fits one. We needs to find our own approach, helping to support our kids as well as set boundaries so that they can manage themselves on their own. Children and parents benefit from a clear information which helps parents communicate to their kids that they are loved and secure, even when they make mistakes.
A part of parenting is knowing that growth doesn’t happen in the easy moments. We all have things we can learn. Some of the most important things we learn as parents and as children are as a result of the difficulties we face. When we can steady ourselves we can look for what these moments can tell us about ourselves and our child. I talked about ways to build growth mindset here. https://gtgparenting.co.nz/2025/12/growth-mindset-parenting-challenging-times/
Everyone needs grace and plenty of opportunities to fix mistakes and to view ourselves as capable problem solvers rather than “bad” people. If you are constantly searching for the “right” thing to do, it can leave you feeling drained; sometimes the best answer is to simplify your approach by prioritising connection alongside your boundaries. By guiding them to manage difficult and uncomfortable feelings, we equip them for adulthood. This works over time much more effectively than a quick fix ever could.
Parents can choose to move past the noise of trends and into a place of confidence and clarity. If you want to know more about ways you can support your family you can hear my talk on building growth mindset for practical ways to support your tweens and teens (it also can help you with younger kids too) it’s never too early or too late to get started!
Join me as 20 experts give you some amazing insights into how to help your family at the Calm Connected Tweens & Teens Summit REGISTER here – https://tinyurl.com/Parenting-summit-26
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