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One of the most common concerns of parents is that their child doesn’t have a friend. It affects parents of pre-schoolers through to teens starting High School. Transitions seem to be a pinch point. Do they have someone to sit with at lunchtimes? Are they lonely? Are the friends they do have a positive influence? How many friends does anyone need anyway?

• Temperament affects a child’s need to form friendships. An introverted child may need a cup-sized amount of social interaction whereas an extrovert wants bucket-loads. Both sorts of temperament are fine. Which is your child? Work out whether they seek out social interaction or if they have found something to do on their own which they find more interesting than socialising with others. Lots of parents tell me they haven’t worked out what makes their child tick yet. That’s ok – it can take many years to work out a child’s temperament. It’s worth investing time learning about temperament and what to look for and there’s plenty written on that subject. Be a citizen scientist and observe your child over time.
• Cultivate social skills. How do children get in and out of a friendship group at school? How does a child stand up for themself when someone bullies them? What would you do if your friend was being picked on? These are things you can role play with your child. Giving your child a form of words to say can make a big difference. Knowing how to act and what to say will set them up for success.
• Encourage your child to develop skills and interests and get really good at something. Sports and cultural activities are obvious ones and don’t overlook baking, sewing, woodwork or looking after family pets. Whatever your child is really passionate about can spark an interest-based friendship.
• Not all friendships happen at school so keep the out of school friendships with neighbours or former classmates going. There will be clubs in your area which take children from different schools and this is a great way to meet new children. Your child may be lucky enough to have a friend who is from a different generation. Neighbours, librarians and other people in the community can add a richness to all our lives. It’s the popping in to say “hi” that can really lift our spirits.

So how many friends do we really need to be happy? I reckon one good friend is enough.

Wouldn’t it be nice if people remembered we were all children once? Well, they don’t.

I bet there isn’t a parent out there who hasn’t been on the receiving end of advice about how to manage challenging behaviour. Total strangers have a nasty habit of telling us how to parent. In the shop when our screaming toddler is having a tantrum. When someone throws sand in the sand pit. Ok, when my child throws sand in the sandpit. On a plane when a passenger mutters under their breath as soon as they notice that they will be sitting right next to your family. And, they haven’t even seen or heard your kids do anything yet.

We’re not even safe in our own homes. Friends and family offer their best tips. Especially, on Christmas day. Could we be forgiven for wanting to punch them on the nose? Not wanting to set a bad example to our kids might be the only thing stopping  us from doing just that. Or not!

Setting boundaries with in-law’s (or even our own parents) can help us keep our dignity and our cool. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and a calm, rational thought process just isn’t possible in our sleep-deprived state.

Here are some words to navigate those sticky moments:

• “I totally get that you want only the best for my kids. I am trying some different approaches and what I need most from you is your support.”

 

• “I’m finding that Tom has a really sensitive temperament. In order to get his cooperation, I find that I need to be understanding of where he’s coming from first.”

 

• “I have tried what you suggest and it only makes the problem worse. She will make the rest of the day miserable for us if I put her in her room.”

 

• “You may not approve of how I am handling the situation but it is my choice for now, and I’d really appreciate your support rather than telling me what you think I should do.”

If all else fails, help yourself to a Pinot Gris and grit your teeth. It’s clear we haven’t give birth to robots who do what we want, when we want them to, with a smile on their face. In other words, your kids are just being kids.

When your child or teen is exploding around your ears the last thing they need is a parent who joins in.  It’s like pouring petrol on a fire.  Parents are well aware of this already but isn’t it just SO HARD to be the flexible, understanding adult some times? Keeping calm when our buttons are pushed is the holy grail of parenting.

So what does work … in the moment?

ACT (don’t react) 

Acting can mean making a positive choice to do nothing.  Wait in your child or teen’s space, patiently, with a nice expression on your face, until the tantrum subsides. Yes, I do mean tantrum. You don’t need to be a toddler to have them. Andrew Fuller describes how teen behaviour is a combination of neurochemicals and habits. Teens are toddlers with hormones

We’re acting when we’re firmly and positively in charge. We don’t have to punish or put children down to do this. One parent I know recently encountered siblings fighting in the car.  Instead of shouting (a favourite, yet ineffective strategy) she decided to do it differently.  After pulling the car over to the side of the road, sitting in silence and waiting for the children to wonder why they had stopped, the rest of the journey home went much better.

What if it’s kicking off indoors?  There are variations on this theme:

1.  Separate the combatants
2.  Calming down time (including us)
3.  Debriefing

For more ideas on sibling conflict resolution see The Parent Practice

Think of it as a marathon not a sprint

Be a citizen scientist.  Observe your child to understand the causes of their behaviour.  This is a significant part of making progress and was a lightbulb moment for me when I was searching for strategies to stop my 2 year old from biting.

Obvious causes driving children’s behaviour include temperament,  mood,  sleep, stress levels, blood sugar levels and hormones.  Fireworks are a temporary situation.  How long it takes to return to calm depends on how we respond.

Resist the temptation to keep arguments going once they start to wind up.  Disputes often involve bedtimes, screentime, pocket money and other privileges.  Discussing these things in the heat of the moment never works.  Wait for a calm moment to work through issues, like at a family meeting.

Manage expectations of what our child should be doing

Sometimes it’s the “shoulds” that get in the way and can spur us on to keep the fight alive.

Ask yourself “...am I being realistic about my expectations for this child, with his temperament,  in these circumstances?…”

Go easy on yourself.

When you lose it … and we all do … offer to do something nice to make amends. It’s not being weak – it’s good modelling.

Written by Justine Lamont, parenting coach and Mum who lives with her 2 boys, one husband, 2 cats in a sometimes messy house and manages to keep her calm most of the time using every single one of the skills she teaches.

 

·        A 13 year old boy sends a photo of his private parts to a 16 year old girl who shares it amongst her classmates. He is left feeling humiliated.

·        A group of 15 year old boys take a photo up the skirt of their teacher in the classroom and post it on social media. They are expelled from school.

·        A 14 year old girl takes a photo of her friend’s legs while she is wearing PE gear and posts it with the comment – “Look at her fat legs”. The school’s attempt to resolve the issue fails and the parents of the child in the photo remove her from the school.

We’ve all heard  stories like this.  Can parents set things up better to make it less likely to happen? Let’s assume these parents already had conversations with their kids about what not to do . The next thing parents usually do is to remove the device and impose a punishment.  The problem with a punishment is that kids don’t learn anything that would help prevent the same problem from happening again.

Kids brains aren’t wired to think about the consequences of their actions. We need to do some more to help them prepare for success.

We set our kids up well for other things that are potentially dangerous.  We don’t let them drive on the road without plenty of training. We give kids devices with little or no training. Can we really expect a child to make good decisions about what to share based on a short contract we get them to sign or a conversation about being careful?

Parents need good skills to create a relationship with their children in which they can get them talking and most importantly thinking about the consequences of their actions. This is important training to help children make good decisions in their life. So what can parents do to set their kids up to shine?

The main thing to remember is that we need to get our kids talking and the first step is to  be quiet and listen to them! Here’s a few ideas to get you started:

DON’T react to opinions you don’t like. Let them have a chance to say what they think and why. Remember they are reflecting the current view of their peers and you can expect that it won’t be what you think or agree with. As the flexible understanding adult we are responsible for creating a relationship in which they keep talking to us, about this and other things.

DON’T threaten to take the device away. You will scupper any chance of them telling you things you will want to know, like when they are being bullied, because they are worried you will take it away.

DO get kids talking by being very positive and open about the topic and getting them to say what they think about it.

DO encourage them to have conversations with you about all sorts of things that “might” come up e.g. what if someone asked you to post a nude picture online?

You’re going need to have a lot of little conversations over time to get kids thinking about the consequences of their actions. And try to do some actual listening, kids know your opinion on every topic by the time they are 12 so you don’t have to tell them again. We learn more about this in our courses and consultations and if you’d like to know more about how to get kids talking just email me: Justine@gtgparenting.co.nz

 

Once I started using positive parenting skills I really noticed a change in my son. His body language changed. He cuddled up to me more on the sofa. I was noticing all these changes when one day he asked “Mummy will you talk to me in that nice parenting voice?”.

This was a wake up call. I didn’t realise that I had been talking to him in a not nice voice.

Although I felt sad about my lack of awareness I was grateful to learn how he felt. It encouraged me to keep on going with the skills I had learned.

One of the ways we did this was to make a “good book”. It was a special notebook. We  wrote down the good things both our children had done and why they were good (using descriptive praise).  This habit reminded us and them about their progress. It acknowledged the effort they put into doing the right thing. Making a good book is a really powerful thing to do. You can write in it daily or weekly to get in the habit of acknowledging your children. Many families I know have done this and report that it has a really positive effect on their families.

Neither of the children could actually read the comments we wrote so we  drew pictures. One of my favourites is the picture of the kind teddy. If you look you can see it in the top right hand side of the picture below. The kindy teacher would give the kind teddy to people who did kind things for others. So my son would also ask if he could have a look at the kind teddy picture.

Our good book is something I still look at now and then. It was meant to be for the children but in a way it has become a treasure for me. It brings back those seemingly small details of  family life that you can’t possibly hold in your head and makes you glad to have had that special time together.

 

 

 

 

I had good intentions for my 2 sons to be creative with art and crafts from an early age.  I bought crayons, paint, glue and scissors and lots of glitter.  My hopes would rise when they’d run into the house to stick a sticker on something.

After 20 seconds maximum they’d run outside and hit something with the biggest stick they could find.  Despite my encouragement to create masterpieces they had other priorities.

These boys needed more opportunities to take risks and to play using their bodies. Rough play was in. The lawn became a wrestling pitch. Rules included use a swim noodle to hit your opponents, hit all parts of the body except the head area and private parts.  They loved it even more when their Dad or I joined in.

Since then our boy-centric household accumulated many stories about the effect of testosterone. Like this one:

I was about to jump in the shower one morning and something made me hesitate as I noticed it was especially quiet. You know that feeling that you ignore at your peril! A quick look inside and I realised they were not actually inside the house. So I keep on going. I found one son dangling, trussed up with a rope like a chicken, hanging from the deck on one side of the house. His brother looked on, not so sure how to fix this problem.  I was just thankful no harm was done and the rope was put away.

Years later and I’ve been reading Michael Gurian’s book called Saving our sons.  It goes  through a whole load of neuro-science about how this sort rough play is not only fun it’s actually necessary to develop male emotional intelligence (MEI).

This quote stood out:

“Males need to be impulsive to test their emotions and character experientially in the real world.  They need this experiential learning curve of body/brain connection because they don’t do as much of their emotional intelligence building through words as their sister would“.

It’s no wonder this is how it works when you look at some of these key differences between male and female brains.  Compared to females, males have:

• fewer nerve endings for pain
• fewer pain receptors in the brain
• less activity in the the part of the brain responsible for empathy (the insula)
• fewer word centres connected to emotions

Many mums of boys tell me that they are concerned that their sons are too rough or are not empathetic enough, especially towards their younger siblings. Is this you? I used to feel like this and even now there are times when it’s hard for women to watch boys without wincing.

We’re like citizen scientists, observing what Gurian describes as:

“...uncomfortable hits, knocks, jabs, wedgies and other physical gestures among males (which) are forms of kinesthetic love – physical MEI building mechanism“.

Reading this part another light bulb went off – my Dad used to give me and my brother a “horse bite”  by grabbing our bent knee on either side of the knee joint and squeezing really hard. It certainly woke us up. Now I know why he did that!

 

Check out my video on our Facebook page for some practical suggestions how to get the day off to a great start.

Start the day

 

 

 

The single best parenting skill you could ever ask for – why descriptive praise is like gold dust!

How do we encourage children to want to do the right thing?

Is it even possible?

Parents want to know how to get their kids on track. Sure, there are lots of methods you’ve tried already.  Ask them, then ask them again.  Present them with an argument that it’s in their best interest to do it.  Offer to pay them.  Eventually, threaten that they can’t go to that party on Saturday . . . even though you actually need that time to get something else done.

The reason I’m calling descriptive praise the single best parenting skill you could ever ask for is that it not only encourages kids to do the right thing, it fosters positive family relationships and builds healthy self-esteem in children.

Here’s how to do it.

The first thing is to retrain ourselves to look for the good things kids are doing right now – catch them being good.  Oh yeah, I hear you say, well I would praise my kids if I could find something to praise them for!  Seriously, there is actually a lot your kids are doing well, you’re just in the habit of looking for it.

I’m guilty of telling my kids off for forgetting to brush their teeth, ignoring that they got up, washed and dressed, packed their bag and put their shoes on.  Four out of five done – I should be shouting Hooray!  So, instead of thinking we’re lowering our standards maybe our expectations are unrealistic?

Should we expect kids to do what we ask, straight away with a Colgate smile?

To put descriptive praise in practice – you need to look really closely at what IS happening.  Check out each of those steps in the right direction.  When the book gets taken out of the school bag, chucked on the table and the face has a look of pure grump say:

“I see you got your book out and you’re getting ready to do the homework“.

Make a point of noticing things when your kids are playing happily together with LEGO:

“I like the way you made that truck with your brother/sister, that’s nice teamwork”

When they read to themselves and reading is something they are improving in: “You’re zooming through those Harry Potter books, what will you choose to read next? I think you’re turning into a bookworm!”

Authentic praise like this is more believable.  Kids might like to be told “Good job” while they’re little. Those words will be water off a duck’s back when they compare themselves to others which is what happens when they get older. So be really specific with your praise. Here’s the thing though, the reason we’re doing it isn’t to cynically manipulate our kids.  We’re actually giving them a positive image of themselves through our eyes.

It really helps families lift the mood and have an optimistic outlook when we think like this. It’s important to notice what’s going well. Parents can even mention past successes to help change the mood when behaviour starts spiralling downwards.

Some kids will love being praised like this.  Others will take a while to warm to it.  Maybe they think their parents have turned into aliens as they didn’t used to talk like that!  Take the time to work out which your child likes best.

So here’s the challenge.  Get some descriptive praise into your routine.  When you say “good girl” or “good boy” think about why it was good.  Did it show maturity, bravery, thoughtfulness? Link your praise to the qualities you admire.

If you’re stuck finding a form of words think about the area you would like to develop:  maybe a better attitude to trying new foods, doing guitar practice or organising their belongings?

I always remember a story from a lady who was having a tough time reaching her teen boy.  She had even written some notes saying what he’d done and why she appreciated it. Despite his lukewarm response she was moved when she found the notes stacked in a pile in his bedroom.

Maybe you’ll have a similar story to tell? I’m always keen to hear from parents about epic successes or failures. So if there’s a  story you’d like to share or if you’re stuck coming up with a form of words to use get in touch.

 

“Treat your child as the person you know they are capable of becoming.” (quote from Haim Ginott)

Sometimes as parents we doubt whether anything we say or do to try and influence our kids is actually working. If it’s a particularly bad day we catastrophize that not only have we failed to do this but that they will end up being an axe-murderer.

There are tons of articles about how self-centred and selfish the current generation is. Quite often I hear stories from parents that say different and here’s one:

Hi, I’m Justine and this is the blog for Good to Great Parenting. I’ve been parenting for over 13 years and learning positive parenting skills for the past decade. Here’s my story of how I went from being a lawyer living in London to a parenting coach. That’s a picture of me and Steve before we had kids. Notice how carefree we look! We used to enjoy walking in the mountains and we were in Scotland or Wales when that photo was taken. Eventually we got tired of living in a clean house doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted and we had kids! The new role of being a parent was both wonderful and daunting. Mostly, it was and still is wonderful.

Things had got tricky when our first born was biting other kids. He was 2. It’s not an unusual problem for a kid in that stage of development but it was definitely embarassing! He had a new brother and had started kindy and there was a lot going on for him at that time. Surely, he’d grow out of it, I thought. At kindy the teacher mentioned a parenting course she had heard of … several times. Was it that bad I asked myself? Did I really need to do that? I felt I could crack it if I just kept going. But the biting didn’t go away.

I tried all the things good parents did. I calmly told him why it was wrong to bite and reminded him lots of times that biting wasn’t nice and Mummy didn’t like it.  Sometimes I got cross and shouted at him. I  got a lot of advice, often when I didn’t ask for it. This was confusing and not helpful. Things like “ignore the good, praise the bad.” You try ignoring a toddler who bites another toddler and see what happens. It was eventually when someone suggested that I bite him back that I decided something had to give.

I went along to the course even though I wasn’t sure if it was right for me. It was a life-changing decision. I could see how powerful these skills were straight away. After completing the course I got a chance to be an assistant and to train as a facilitator with the co-owner of the Parent Practice in London – Elaine Halligan. I spent the next 2 years training with Elaine and the founder of the business and author of Real Parenting for Real Kids, Melissa Hood. It was an exciting time.

But back to my son and the early days of putting what I had learned into practice.

Once I became more self-aware of how I was acting with my son I realised that he was getting the wrong messages from me. I was unhappy with his behaviour but I was behaving in a way which made him think that I didn’t like him very much. I started to be more positive with him and his whole body language changed. He would cuddle up to me on the sofa. I was surprised how very different things were.

I haven’t forgotten what it was like to feel stuck. Since then I have been working with families to help pass on the full range of skills that can make life so much easier. I’m committed to passing on these wonderful skills to help empower families in our community to have a positive and fulfilling family life.

Welcome to my blog – I would love to hear about your parenting journey!